What to choose, everything daunts?
Fishin' without a hook, don't want my wants!
Poisoning life, cigarettes hiss.
Delayin' delay'd, tomorrow's wish...
One of those boring days.
Stayed in bed whole day long.
Alternating between Hornet’s Nest, The Fifth Sacred Thing and The Collected Short Stories Of Jeffery Archer.
Now I’m typing with a steaming cappuccino in my hand and an omelet staring at me. This reminds me of Sir Anthony Hopkins somehow.
I don’t know why, I feel like crushing something between my jaws, or shout out loud.
Silence Of The Lambs maybe…
Having monosyllabic conversation with Anila. Either my skills in this department have rusted or maybe she’s a lesbian. I decide it’s better to look out the window at that grazing cow.
Watching Dhoni getting beaten by the bowler for third consecutive delivery. I and Khatam are laughing our guts out. It’s weirdly funny. Molad is sleeping like a log. I hope someday he understands the joys of cricket.
I’m playing the godfather for Ashu. I hardly understand why but sometimes for dear friends…
Enduring the training classes. No one’s around. Hardly 10 students are attending. It’s getting fuckin’ boring. I’m glad at least Hashmi’s here. Right now, he’s the sole reason for my being alive. Thanks man!
Indulging in bakchodi with Hashmi, Richa and Harjot. Interesting conversation. If only I didn’t feel like the odd one out. Nonetheless, it is enjoyable.
Chor is killing Ashu with his frustrating songs of love. Me and Chhotu are smoking away, actually we’re bearing with all this nonsense that Chor is serving us too. What should I do to shut him up?
Typing away these last words. Books tucked under my arm. Ready to go to bed. Inviting sleep to take over.
Hornet’s Nest is sitting in my lap.
End is near.
Andy Brazil wants to have a woman in his life.
He wants to share his life, his space and his feelings.
Weirdly, he wants a woman with whom he can jog, work out.
He and I both are smitten by Virginia West and Judy Hammer.
I realize that there’s something about older women, especially those who are attractive.
It’s a kinda confirmation that they have been maintaining themselves, have a healthy and stronger lifestyle. They are conscious about themselves.
Patricia Cornwell is staring at me from her picture.
I keep looking back…
I was sitting in LAB-3, working on my make-believe project.
She entered, looked around with those big and round eyes of hers (the most beautiful eyes!).
I tried to ignore her. I had to pretend that I wasn’t interested anymore (truth, of course, being that I’m dying to talk to her).
She was doing the same (but she was more successful I’d say).
She turned around to go back, moved swiftly out of the glass door.
But just as she was about to go out of my sight, she stole a quick glance.
She actually looked at me. One might say I was imagining it, but I’m pretty sure.
Our eyes met for that infinitesimal moment. My heart skipped a beat.
I could’ve run to her and begged her to talk to me,
To be mine,
To love me as much as I loved her
Forever.
If only…
Anu has known me for the last 10 years. In fact, we’ve always been best friends. In other words, it’s pretty safe to say that no one knows more about me than him. So, it was pretty obvious when I turned to him for advice (about my future).
‘I can only tell you how to get what you want. What you want has to be decided by you. I can’t tell you what you want!’ he said.
He was right. That’s always been my problem. I’ve never really known what I want from life. I like to do everything and that’s one reason why I get bored of things too fast. I start doing something and, soon enough, I change the track and start doing something else. As I always say:
‘I’m too interested in everything, to do anything!’
Hence, that’s kinda reason enough not to join Defence. I don’t wanna wake up, say 2-3 years down the line thinking I wanna “do something real” (instead of just enjoying the life there), and realize that I’m stuck there for 15 years (or probably even more).
No way out.
If I enter the IT world, at least I can leave whenever I want if I don’t like it there.
Though, I must arrive at the decision (about what I really want) soon.
There’s this intuition I have, I don’t have much time left!
Is it just me or are really holidays shorter than working days?
Today is last day of my 3 day break and I feel as if it was just yesterday when I was grinning like an idiot, unable to contain my happiness brought on by upcoming break from college. And now here I am, not even able to recall what I did in these last 3 days.
And on college days, I mostly find myself cribbing (while smoking at the Dhaba) in front of Chhotu.
‘It’s just Tuesday, man. Saturday feels like eternity away.’
That’s right. It’s impossible to handle 2 days in college, while holidays, no matter how long, just fly by so fast that everything is virtually erased from the memory, kinda short-term memory loss (I feel like screaming my guts out, just as crazy Aamir Khan did in Ghajini).
Was supposed to make assignments today.
Watched the whole telecast of Oscar Night, followed by The Bee Movie, instead.
Then read Hornet’s Nest and did other faaltu velagiri whole day long.
Procrastinator’s delight, actually…
Hitesh might be pretty upset. He had this kinda holy ceremony near his place that his father was organizing. He’d invited everyone in our group, but as I know now, nobody went. Reasons were quite simple, firstly, no one is really interested in attending those boring ceremonies and secondly, everyone was actually counting on everyone else to go (so that their own absence didn’t matter).
I was also one of ‘em. I was pretty sure that everyone else will go and no one will ever notice my absence. But I had my valid reasons not to go.
I was gonna see her after such a long time, and please be honest, what would you choose if you were in my place??
God or sex..!!
Today’s quest was totally about getting Five Point Someone for Chor.
Ashu told us about a stall in sector-14 market, where you can return old books and buy new ones too.
That’s it, I thought. I’m not really a hoarder at all. I love my books but unless they are in extremely top-class condition (like the copy of Mein Kampf I have) or books very dear to me (Ulysses, I can’t understand what it’s about, but it is dear to me), I don’t mind parting with them.
So, next I know, I was standing there with The Da Vinci Code, Digital Fortress and The Summons in my hand. I returned them and got Five Point Someone first.
But wouldn’t you know it; all other books started crying out to me.
But I had to be strong, I was short of money and I knew I shouldn’t buy anymore.
I made a firm decision and kinda put my foot down. No more books for now (read those that you already have first), I ordered myself.
20 minutes ago I came back home, buried my newly bought books in my cupboard and tried my best to stop myself from screaming.
(By the way, I got The Rainmaker and The Last Juror, both by John Grisham, and also a copy of Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead.)
Chor and Ashu came to my place this evening.
We went to have some smoke (I know that goes without saying, but anyway).
We hadn’t met since last Sunday. I told them about them about her coming back. I told them about the promises made by Infosys. I also told them about the mediocrity called Delhi 6 (I can’t believe till now how the director of Rand De Basanti can screw up so bad, never mind, anyone can have bad days).
Chor asked me to give him a book to read (he’s a “virgin” to reading). I had no book to spare, at least not a first-ever-book-read kind. So I dug out The 3 Mistakes Of My Life from somewhere (I had to look out for Ashu too who always has his eyes on my collection, especially Midnight’s Children, so, I have to protect it and keep it out of his range).
To my relief Chor loved it. He called me about 15 minutes ago to tell me how he has fallen in love with it (‘Chetan Bhagat, aaj se, apna bhai hai.’ He said).
So I had to tell him that this was Bhagat’s worst effort till date and he has to read Five Point Someone if he really needs some easy-to-read-but-good stuff. I kinda went on and on about it.
So now, I have to get him Five Point Someone tomorrow.
Only if I could keep my mouth shut.
Sudhir Mishra of Infosys was coming to visit today and, for the first time in my college life, somebody coaxed me into wearing formals to college.
Formal shirt, formal jeans, leather shoes (spit-polished), a tie (which I seriously dislike) and, what more, even a formal watch.
When we were recruited, we were told that punctuality was one of the most important virtues in professional world but, wouldn’t you guess it, the session scheduled for
I must say that this Mishra-guy has always had a soothing effect on us. His way of chatting people up and assuring a future full of possibilities is amazing. I know he was most probably just exaggerating, but knowing that we’re gonna have a hell of a time at
Although, it’s highly probable that we might not get time to enjoy the benefits of 5-star hotel like ambience, Rs.150/month gym and Rs.50 movie tickets when we’d have to work our asses off to save our job.
But that, as they say, is another story!
On days like this, I usually wonder what, even the motive of my getting up in the morning, is. Technically, I’m not serving any purpose really. I look around myself and notice how stupid we actually are.
Seriously, 90% of our lives are spent on mindless crappy ventures, rest 10% is spent speculating on it and cribbing about it.
This is a fact that looked me in the face during the college hours today
When Chhotu and I were high-fiving each other after attending our (personal) first lecture of OOSE this semester (happily jubilating, crying out “Duck toot gayi!”),
When we were standing in corridor discussing about every passing girl’s cleavage (and of course, derrière)
And when while attending seminars we were literally taking a nap (or as in Molad’s case, scratching our hairy legs).
I can’t even imagine what will become of us (and not to mention, that of the companies, hiring us as professional software engineers).
Just got off the phone. Was talkin’ to her for last 4 hours. For most people it might not be such an unnatural thing to do (I know a lot of people who talk to their partners for as much as 7-8 hours) but for us it’s highly unusual. You see, I can never think of anything to talk about (not for so many hours at least) and from her side too it’s such an easy going relation. She never complains and gives me amazingly apt space (and of course, I take care to reciprocate the gesture).
But obviously, this time it was different. We talked after such a long time and seriously, there was a
I realized how much I missed her (something I didn’t till now).
I agree her absence was felt by me, in fact I hated her for going away for so long, but somehow it wasn’t so bad. Only now, when she’s back, can I understand how she makes my life complete.
But what’s strange is that I still don’t feel that I can’t live without her or anything.
Am I afraid to commit?
Thankfully, she’s not asking…
Just came back home. Had gone out for drinks with friends.
Ashu treated us, for he got admission at ICFAI-gurgaon.
So, now he’s stuck in gurgaon, for the next 2 years at least, and that too in a college which I think is no good at all.
Though, I couldn’t care less. After all, he seems happy and anyway, all I care about is that I got free Blender’s Pride to drink and not to forget the free food. But seriously, I guess it’s for the best, I mean, he’ll get an MBA degree and hopefully recession might be over by then…
And yes, before I forget (Can I?!)
She Is Back!
Cheers..!!
It’s quite late for me to be sitting on the computer; you see in our household, it’s a strict all-monitors/projectors-switched-off rule. Although what pisses me off is that this rule is applied only to me. My sister chats with her friends online through the night and my mom watches T.V. for as long as she wants, but when I try to attempt something like that, I get scolded by my dad (even if it’s say 10:05 PM).
So today, is one of those rare days when they don’t notice me sitting here (so I’m trying to make the most of it by downloading porn!).
Anyway, I was reading Mayank Austen Soofi’s blog and was wonderin’ if this guy’s even telling the truth. I mean what if I told you that I got a pretty ordinary job to pay my bills and I go around buying books in such enormous quantities that it’s impossible to read my collection in an entire lifetime (considering I have a job to do!)?
He claims to buy books almost everyday and he can’t read one book at a time (okay, here he may be true, ‘cause I do that too). From what I get, he does judge books by their covers, that’s the only way to explain his getting “hard-ons” by just looking at them and also his having different editions of the same book in his collection.
Sorry Mr.Soofi, I don’t know what to make of your ranting, and to think of it now, I wonder if I even care...
This is a depressing day for people like me who have no love in their lives (not around at least!). Ordinarily, I swear I don’t give a damn about this day. For me, it’s just like any other day. I don’t need a special day to make my love “feel special”. It’s merely hyped, and as some people might like us to believe, a day invented by greeting card companies and gift shops to increase their business.
But I gotta admit, with everyone around talking about love, it kinda does get depressing if you don’t have that “special someone” in your life. I mean when everyone’s talking about it, sooner or later, the craving gets to you. It’s like cigarette, watching a movie like Trainspotting (or Blood Diamond for that matter) will make you wanna have a smoke (if you’re a smoker, you’ll understand my point).
But unlike cigarette, you can’t buy love.
Anyway, enjoy the cigarette at least!
P.S.: I had a pretty weird Valentine’s Day by the way. As if her absence wasn’t bad enough, I had to go out with Chor in the evening for a cigarette & masala-dosa date (as he liked to call it). And what more? I enjoyed it..!!
Hard times are round the corner.
College is about to get over soon and so it’s the time to make a choice.
Everyone can relate to this since everyone, old enough, has been through this confusing period. This is the part where you give final touches to your future.
Of course, something like this happens when you pass out of school and go to college. But first of all, in most cases, at that point of time parents make the choice and push their child into it (in India they do!), and secondly, life still gives you a second chance to make that choice when you are about to graduate.
So here I am, with choices and options galore, but totally confused and kinda freaked out.
I got a call from Indian Air Force; I can try to clear SSB.
I can study for CAT again (with much better effort).
I can apply for post graduation or specialization in some field.
I have half a mind to start some independent venture.
And I may, obviously, join Infosys, hassle-free.
Or I can apply for a job some place better.
But to tell the truth, I’m more scared than confused. I just might take the easy way out (read join Infosys) simply because I don’t think I’m capable of anything better. I still sometimes think that I got what I have because of luck and I didn’t actually deserve it.
That’s what happens when you let others make choices for you. It’s really hard to get outta this shit. If you’re reading this please remember
It’s your life, live it your way (and also let others live their way!).
Life’s too short, really. How can one accommodate everything one wants to do in mere 24 hours a day? There’s so much to do and so less time.
Let’s break it down. A perfect life would be where I can
Read at least 2 hours a day
Write for say 1 hour
Workout for 2 hours
Watch T.V. for say 1 hour
Watch a movie, so say 2 ½ hours
Attend college (including time for conveyance - 10 hours)
Sleep say 6 hours
And do other routine stuff (like gettin’ ready, eating etc., delays and buffer time included) that’s 3 hours.
That’s already 27 ½ hours.
And I haven’t added the time for my studies yet which, given the stage at which my career is right now, should be 4-5 hours at least.
My being procrastinator doesn’t help things out.
Priority check? Scheduled!
‘Life isn’t fair.’
This is something I came to know a few years back when I looked at myself in the mirror (imagining what girls might think of my personality).
Anyway, so this thought again rushed back to me today. I know I crib about my life being all crappy and hell-like, but let’s just say that it’s gonna be like this whether anyone likes it or not.
So this is what happened. I wake up early, go to the gym and it’s freaking freezing out there, so I catch terrible cold. Then I rush to college where I get to know how, many students have got earlier date of joining than me (all the more reason to believe that my job’s in danger). Then I get a call from her, she says she won’t be back for valentine.
So far so bad.
I come home, read to vent my frustration. By 8 I can’t take it anymore. I put a five rupee coin in my pocket and walk towards my usual khoka to smoke a stick.
I reach there and grope for the coin and you wouldn’t guess it, my finger goes through the till-then-unnoticed hole in my pocket.
That does it.
I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I just choke…
Genetic Algorithm
This is the topic I chose for my technical seminar that is scheduled for tomorrow. Now anybody pursuing B.E./B.Tech. would know that this topic is way out of anyone’s comprehension. You may read it and try to understand it but no matter how hard you may try, you can never top it. It’s like one of those fantasy movies, you enjoy them and understand the whole plotline but in the end, they are hypothetical and nowhere near reality.
So why did I choose such an alien topic for presentation?
Answer’s simple.
I don’t know what it is, so my peers don’t get it and my teachers don’t understand what the heck’s going on. And what’s more, no one gives a damn.
I can speak whatever I want (because nobody can relate to it) and I can invent imaginary answers to the queries easily since nobody knows the right answer.
Plus I get credit for having courage to select such a difficult topic (that nobody was attempting in the first place).
Always remember, when nobody knows what’s right, nobody is wrong.
Can’t believe I actually attended college on a Monday. And of course, Monday means project lab. In this lecture we’re supposed to work on an independent software project and submit our progress report weekly (though anyone rarely ever makes an original project, all ideas are copied and most of the time, even the whole project is copied).
Me? I’m stuck in a stinky situation. I’m hardly capable of making a project in any programming language myself. And my partner is “too busy” to handle anything and not to forget, he screwed up our mid term project presentation too much to make a come back now (he argued with our teacher and much more, so we’re pretty much screwed now).
My take?
If it ain’t suckin’, it ain’t life..!!
Too tired to write today (played cricket whole day long), lets just say that I’m happy that I’m not in Chor’s place (who won’t do anything but rest for next few days to come). Guess you kinda deserve that punishment for trying to be the next McGrath.
And yes, it’s been one of those rare Sundays when I didn’t invest my whole time to watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. So that’s improvement I guess.
Didn’t do anything constructive either but that’s a different story then…
Working on Saturdays sucks. But apparently no one cares. So, had to attend classes, conducted by Infosys, for training us (allegedly!). Took a test first (based on the marks of which our future at the organization will be decided). It’s depressing, but normal for me, that I knew only like 5 outta 40 questions, my only consolation being that most of the students were at about the same level.
Then there were classes.
This is the part where
the instructor reads out the slides (about which he has no idea),
he speaks about stuff (although he himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about),
we listen (simultaneously thinking about how to talk to that pretty girl, who’s gonna pay for my next cigarette and other such stuff)
and we get to learn things (we don’t give a shit about).
Fuckin’ nonsense!
Went to watched Dev.D today.
It was one of those movies, first-day-first-show of which, I was bent on watching. So there I sat, watching Dev (smoking pot after pot, drinking shots after shots) and not to mention suppressing my own craving for a cigarette.
Two things were abundantly clear.
One, this Anurag Kashyap guy has gone total nuts. Either he has an unlimited source of income or maybe he’s just a die hard fool. I mean look at his track record. No smoking, which was kinda masterpiece (don’t care what others say, I loved it) but so over the top that everyone slammed it. Then Black Friday, whoever saw it loved it but let’s face it again, not too many people saw it. Paanch never even got released (though I’m dying to see it). And now, he gives this. When are you gonna learn Anurag, that you are just wasting your time and your producers’ money by making such films for such hypocrite audience?
Two (and more depressing), too much sex is happening in
At least I’ve my cigarettes!
Got up early in the morning with my whole day planned, or so I thought.
My plan was a simple 5-pointer:
How well did I do?
Planning sucks..!!
Infidelity is exhausting.
I never remain faithful to one book at any point of time. My mind keeps wandering and in my defense, how can you expect someone to finish a book of 500-odd pages in one go, without wandering towards other books that are lying there waiting to be loved?
Halfway through Doctors (and keep in mind that I’m not at all bored with it) I’m tempted by the Hard Times lying on our living room table. Not to forget the Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul, that I’m halfway through (I know it is not exactly what you’d call a “good book”, but I like it).
I’ve borrowed and bought many books and stored them in my cupboard, much to the dismay of my parents and lenders (who are breathing down my neck, asking me to return them). I hate infidelity, but I’m too tempted now.
I’ve around 20 books waiting for me to touch them, open them, give my undivided attention to them (something that never happens when it comes to girls), how can I stop myself?
[Ironically, I bought Ulysses this Sunday. Stupid purchase, given that everyone has told me how tough a read it is and not many people understand it. What am I gonna do?]
All you need to do is keep on cramming (or mugging as we call it in
This is the basic rule of our whole education system.
Cram all the stuff up thoroughly (which, by the way, won’t be of any use in future) and vomit it all out on the answer sheet during the exam. Come out the examination hall totally brainwashed and get yourself ready for another year (or semester) of cramming. Not to forget the brain cells that burned out due to constant pressure, burden and exhaustion.
Evolution is a constant in life, and thus came people like us (the latest of youths, as they call us, who keep on devising new methods of avoiding hard work). We used the concept of cache memory as the principle underlying our revolutionary method that kinda helped us break the aforementioned “system”.
We subconsciously allotted a small part of our main brain as the cache brain. Now, this cache brain (just like cache memory) is a smaller and faster storage space. Now all we had to do was to carefully plan out the minimum possible (or required) amount of crap to be crammed to fare well in exams.
And then we could easily cram (record) all that stuff up (faster! In just one last night before the exam) in our cache brain, use this cache during the exam and, ultimately, format the cache as soon as we came out.
This way we could save all those cells and, of course, the stuff stored in our main brain; like the name of our favorite porn star (was it Lisa Ann or Vicky Vette?!), the number of days since we last enjoyed the booze (for bragging purpose), dates of all the forthcoming matches (football, cricket, tennis, it doesn’t matter, we are “men”, give us anything), the number of cigarettes left in my pack and god only knows how much of other more-important-than-life information.
After all, it’s life not a joke, you gotta have your priorities right!
